Karolina Filosek

How to stop being people pleaser

Unleash your life flow

People pleasing… Sounds like a label on us for whole life? Well, yes and no. If you believe that you are who you are and you cannot change it? Then You are right. However if you believe that this is just a challenge and you can change it , then you are right too!

I have dedicated already 2 posts to people pleasing subject. Starting from symptoms and going by challenges we face by pleasing people. Knowing all this, there comes a question how to work on this challenge? How to overcome this inner power which force us to put others first, instead of our needs?

I gave it a lot of thoughts. What was the real first step in my journey to finding myself in this hamsters wheel of pleasing others? It wasn’t easy to find the answer , but today , here I am to share it with you, hoping these below steps will give you a guidance where to start.

Own your power

Well, it might sounds far too simply.

You can think: “Just like this? Is this all what you have got for me? I do own my power…what are you talking abut” But…, Do you? Are you sure you are fully in charge of your life? How many times you do something and after all you are regretting you have done it for somebody? Taking your life in your hands , is the first step to transform your life. Look in the mirror. Who do you see there? Who are you for yourself? Do you love yourself?

In the first stage, we need to work on our self love, acceptance and acquire our own potential to decide about our life. It is important at the very beginning to start from affirming yourself:

  • “I am full of power and in charge of my life”
  • ” I can decide what is the best for me”
  • “I can put myself first and nobody gets hurt”
  • “I was born with own will and right to live my own way”
  • “I see you and I love you”

Take responsibility for your decision

I remember how hard it was for me to step out from the victim position. “They are so cruel… I have done so much for them and they treat me like this”… Does it sound familiar to you?

If you often feel disappointment with what others have done. How they behaved after your sacrifice for them , they I need to tell you one thing. You do not take full responsibility for the decisions you make. They are many excuses in your head, preventing you from doing it. Why? Because, staying in victims position brings you profits. So, take a piece of paper and answer below questions

“What benefits do I have from being in victim position?”

Mine was: “I can complain about unfair life, people and there will be always somebody who will appreciate me in this hard moment”. The next question is

“What will you lose , if you step out from the victim position?”

Mine was:” I will loose privileges of being somebody’s hero and feeling pity for myself. It will mean for me that people might not like me. I will not have everybody’s acceptance”. And the last question is:

“What will you gain , if you take responsibility for your life and decisions you make”?

Mine was: “I will be able to create mine own life. I will make decision based on my needs, rather than on fear of being rejected”.

Knowledge is a power

You have to be aware that every people pleaser attracts people who benefit from it. You need to start from educating yourself how the law of attraction works. But also how people manipulate you consciously or not, to get your YES. Read books. Listing You tube podcast and get a biggest power on that. From the moment when you know the key words, key ways of getting your YES , you can consciously decide if you want to do something or not.

Heal you inner child

Most of us was not born as people pleaser. Our parents, society, siblings were programming us to become like they wanted us to be. Or it was our way to survive traumatic experiences as child. Pleasing others meant for examples that You didn’t get spanked this time or you didn’t get another punishment. It was your way to survive this hard time.

But today you are grown up. You can heal all these wounds. You can become real you , without fear of being punished anymore. It is possible only by going through the healing process. Creating save environment and surrounding yourself with people who love you. I strongly recommend you a book of John Bradshaw Home coming. It helped me a lot!

Start saying YES to your needs

Create your own journal. It is important to start getting known your own needs. Before you meet them , you need to name them. How will you know what your needs are? Every time , when you feel disappointed and frustrated and hurt by somebody write it down in your journal. Answer below questions:

  1. What was the root of this situation?
  2. What are my thoughts now?
  3. What is an emotion I am feeling?
  4. What need was not fulfilled in this situation?
  5. What can I change next time to fulfill my needs first?

This exercise rise your awareness about:

  • your needs
  • people who are involved in your frustration
  • thoughts you have
  • thinking patterns

Working on your assertiveness

It is hard to start say NO/ YES to somebody’s request, when you have never done it before. I tell you my tip. Before I become confident about myself I started with “Let me come back to you” every time when I didn’t feel like doing something. It is a bridge. Frist small step to your freedom!

Then you can start with immediate answer in safe environments. Like with your boyfriend, friends, siblings or salespeople. Then with parents and society!

Get rid off toxic people around you

From exercise with journaling , you know which people hurt you the most. Watch yourself in they presence. How is your body? Believe your instinct. Your inner gut will guide you and tell you who is flooding you with bad vibrations. You will always feel exhausted after seeing these people. Cut these relations or minimalize the time you spent with them.

Make a bucket list and DO IT

It is a time to focus on yourself. Creating a bucket list will help you to put more attention on you, rather others. Think about your dreams. What was there what you have always wanted to do and never tried? Do you have any passions from your childhood? What are your talents?

Discover your potentials. Play with these. See what else you can do with your life. Concentrating from now on on you not others needs, will unleash your life flow.

Love yourself

And this is the last tip from my site. Love, love, love. Create beautiful relationship with yourself. When you do it, all in your life will change. Your relations, your career, your thoughts and even financial freedom become more reachable!

If you would like to get a coach in journey to stop pleasing people I invite you for free discovery session. Let’s meet! Discover what I can do for you in this challenging time!

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